Post by Hulk Fatass on Dec 16, 2009 13:57:02 GMT
Promo Voice – Live, from the sewers of Portland, Oregon, in the SewerStadium, that was built with the capacity to hold 200 people underground, in an area expected to be hit with waves of “waste” from the Portland citizens, in an attempt to get a TV contract with FOX, ladies and gentlemen, Journey of Bullshit presents… Wednesday Night Stink!
The scene fades in to a small venue, sort of like an island in the middle of the sewers. Around 18 people clap enthusiastically, and there is one sign visible saying “The Air Horn Squad rocks”. The new announcing team, formed by “Most Valuable Announcer” Jimmy Hayes, Freddie B., and the new announcer for WNS, Ozzy Osbourne, welcome the crowd at home.
FB: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this unforgettable, friggen stinky episode of Wednesday Night Stink! I’m Freddie B., alongside Jimmy Hayes and OZZY OSBOURNE himself! Ozzy, any message you’d like to send home?
OO: Ehm…Ar…Er…What was the question?
Quick cut to the ring, where Bart Styles, the ring announcer, holds a mic in his hand, and a bottle of tequila in the other.
BS: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the representative of FOX, who will evaluate our show tonight… Keith Fawcett!
Some people clap as a man in tuxedo comes out. He waves to the crowd and sits near the announcer’s table, after shaking the hands of Jimmy, Freddy and Ozzy. The camera fades right back in at the ring announcer.
BS: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, introducing first… “The Ultimate Kyle Sync Fan…” RICHIE NASH!!!
“We want Kyle” by Richie Nash plays as the crowd delivers a lot of heat. Richie comes out, wearing a Kyle Sync T-Shirt, and jumps on the ring, excited.
BS: And his opponent, the one and only Jobber’s Champion… KYLE SYNC MASK ONE!!!
“Hunt you down” by Saliva plays to absolutely no crowd reaction. A man in a Kyle Sync mask comes in and enters the ring, staring at Richie Nash.
*DING DING DING*
FB: Kyle Sync Mask right at Richie… KSM with a punch, but he’s a jobber, therefore it didn’t damage Richie!
JH: Uh-oh…Richie Nash recognized him…
FB: He’s screwed! BAH GAWDYSHINNIGAWD!
OO: Ahem…Huh? What happened?
FB: Richie Nash with a FAN-HUG! FAN-HUG! BAH GAWD!
JH: The Mask can’t get rid of him!
FB: Oh no, he’s taking it to a new l..AWH MAH GAWD DRY HUMPING! DRY HUMPING! DRY HUMPING!
JH: Poor KSM! His shoulders are down, he might be screwed…
1…
2…
FB: KICKOUT!!!
JH: The Kyle Sync Mask able to get rid of Richie…He’s trying to kick him, but it does no effect, because he’s a freakin’ jobber! OH, AND NOW HIS FOOT IS HURT!
FB: BROKEN FOOT! BROKEN FOOT! COVAHH!!
1…
2…
3!!
*DING DING DING*
BS: Your winner and advancing to Round 2… Richie Nash!
OO: And Richie Nash advances to Round 2, I guess… Uh, really?
FB: Hey…Go away! Shoo! You’ve got your own script! Where did you leave it?
OO: Uh…I spilled my coffee all over it…
FB: *Headslaps*
OO: Eeh…Can I sing Paranoid?
FB: Please, don’t… We’ll take a commercial break.
*Commercial break*
FB: Welcome back to the insanity here in Wednesday Night Stink! We’ve got all ten competitors in the ring, for the 5-on-5 tag match, pitting the Jobbers & Referees Society, Shawn “I Screw Babyfaces” Reid, Adam Davidson, Chris “I Screw Heels” West and pro jobbers Kyle Sync Mask and Dr. Jobaroonie, against The Air Horn Squad, Mike Hunt, Mike Hawk, Ben Dover, Master Bate and Mike Litoris…Apparently, Kyle Sync Mask I will have to wrestle again!
*DING DING DING*
FB: And all the members of the squad put their right hand on their pants… What is this, a man milk fest?!
JH: It sure does look like…They’re grabbing something soft, they’re squeezing a rather small object with a circular form nearby…
FB: AND THEY BRING AIR HORNS OUT OF THEIR PANTS! AIR HORN FEST! AIR… *HOOOOOOOOOOONK* BAH GAWD, THIS IS INT...*HOOOONKKK*…SO…*HONK HONK HOOOONKNKKKKKK*...DR. JOBAROONIE FALLS D…*TRIPLE SIMULTANEOUS HONKING*
OO: Honking with my airhorn, ‘cause she always helps me with my match…
JH: Don’t sing Paranoid NOR VERSIONS OF PARANOID PLEASE!!!
FB: ALL REFEREES ARE …*HONK*..ND OUT! AND THE JOBBERS ARE REPEATEDLY SLAMMING THEIR HEAD AGAINST THE TURNBUCKLES…
JH: Look at Dr. Jobaroonie… Shooting star press into the turnbuckle!
FB: THIS SHIT’S INSANE!
OO (Hitting Freddie’s face): Didn’t your momma tell you that you can’t say swear words?!...Momma, I’m coming ho…
FB and JH (In chorus): SHUT UP!
JH: The Air Horn squad is in for a group hug…Uh-oh…
FB: BAHGAWDMAHAGWDMYSHINYBEAUTIFULLITTLEFUCKINGGOD!!! MEGAPHONE!
JH: And they SMASH it over Adam Davidson’s head! The neutral referee got megaphucked!
FB: Shawn Reid comes in…
Shawn: You face?
Mike Litoris: Yeah, why you ask?
FB: And Shawn quickly with the rollup, with the tights grabbed, his foot on the ropes and…HE’S STAPLING Litoris’ shirt on the mat! MAH GAWD!
1…
2…
JH: What?
FB: CHRIS WEST HAS BROKEN THE PINFALL! HE’S SCREWED A HEEL THAT WAS JUST ABOUT TO SCREW A FACE!
JH: Shawn HIP TOSSES Chris…And Chris oversells it, in his usual referee duties!
FB: Uh-oh… Mike Hunt is coming from behind… What the hell? There’s an old lady on the entrance ramp!
Old Lady: MIKE!!!! YOU’VE GOT TO TAKE IT HOME!!!
FB: She’s using wrestling slang for “You’ve got to end the match, no more time left!”
Mike: MOM!!! WHY?!
Mom: DINNER’S READY!!!!!!!!!!
JH: Mike lowers his head…HE’S GOING HOME! He’s going to be disqualified via countout…
FB: BUT THERE ARE NO REFEREES! ALL OF THEM ARE IN THIS MATCH!!!
JH: (Headslap) Ah, fuck. Who books this crap?
FB: Dunno. BUT WAIT A SECOND… THAT’S MISTER FATASS!!!
OO: O President, O mighty president, give me a raise!
FB: Mr. Fatass coming down the ramp…HE STEALS MIKE HUNT’S DINNER!!!
OO: What’s happening to his mother…Am I high?
FB: HIS MOTHER IS TURNING INTO A GIANT MUTANT!!! BAH GAWD!
JH: No, Freddy, that’s… A BASILISK!
FB: ARGH! Don’t stare at it, Jimmy…Uhm…Jimmy? JIMMY? DJEEEYYMEEEYYYY!!!
OO: Can I get a better seat, please? Mr. Hayes is trying fellatio with me…
FB: JIMMY’S DEAD! JIMMY’S DEAD! JIMMY STARED AT THE BASILISK AND HE’S DEAD, MY GAWD! THE BASILISK KNOCKING EVERYONE OUT IN THE ARENA! ALL MEN ARE DOWN! AND THE MONSTER GOES AWAY!
OO: Dead bitch. Now everyone’s knocked out! Wait a second!
FB: And Ozzy Osbourne is going into the ring…What the hell…He’s grabbed Ben Dover’s arm and he drapes it over the prone chest of the Jobber’s Champion! He’s counting the fall himself!
1…
2…
3!
Bart Styles: Here are your winners and advancing to Round 2… THE AIR HORN SQUAD!
The crowd gives them a small pop.
FB: Okay… So, Jimmy’s dead…The MVA is dead, whatammagonnado?! WHATAMMAGONNADOOO?!!! Hey, hey. Evan Morgan can help us out! We now go understage with Evan, can you point out someone that can help me announce?
Cut to understage, where Evan Morgan is trapped amongst pieces of metal, wood and concrete.
EM: I’M FUCKED!!!
FB: Me too…Hey, Ozzy, can I ask you a favor, a huge favor?
OO: Go ahead…
FB: Can you comment this match on your own? I’m going out to get a partner. Thanks!
Freddy quickly throws his headset away and sprints out of the arena, looking for a partner.
OO: Let me get ready, my people. We’ll take a fucking commercial break, WE LOVE YOU AAAAALLLL!!!!
*Commercial Break*
OO: Welcome back to Wednesday Night Ozzfest, I’m Ozzy Osbourne, covering for dead Jimmy Hayes and for paranoid Freddy B. I’m afraid we’ve got more bad news…Bart Styles got drunk.
Bart Styles: The follofucking contest is scheduled for *HIC* two boobies! EHEHEHEHE! You liked that, huh, Mr. Hitler?! [Points at Ozzy Osbourne] You think you’re the man, but you you *HIC* just are big Iron Maiden! HA! You know what you sh*HIC* do? You should get up, look to me and…Eh…Stay up. You know?!
OO: (Sigh) This is a Non-Human tag team contest scheduled for one fall, where the Human’s Forbidden Title is on the line.
A bunch of stagehands carry Stone Cold, THE Rock, machine gun and a flamethrower into the ring.
OO: You can see Stone, Cold is still damaged from their last bout, and here we go!
*DING DING DING*
OO: The flamethrower right at the attack! He’s burning Stone, Cold…THAT’S HOT STONE NOW! IT IS HOT STONE! WHAT A MUTATION! And THE Rock goes straight at the flamethrower…And the heap of flames stops! INSANE! And the Machinegun going right at the attack…. THE FLAMETHROWER HAS BEEN DESTROYED! AND THE HOT STONE IS HURT BADLY! COVER…
1…
2…
3!
*DING DING DING*
BS: What the…The…Uhm, the fuck? I saw a Machinegun winning a wrestling match?
OO: HERE ARE YOUR WINNERS, THE FLAMETHROWER, AND THE NEWWWWWW HUMAN’S FORBIDDEN TITLE…MMMAAAACCHIINNEEEGUUNN!!! Sorry Bart, I had to do this.
BS: You…You…[Falls asleep]
OO: Okay…We’ll be right back folks, with the Loser Loses “Mr.” Prefix Match. Stink around.
*Commercial break*
OO: Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen, and now Freddie Beey will take it from here. Did you find someone?
FB: Well, it isn’t properly the biggest person we could get… But it’s just temporary…
OO: Who?! Who?!!!
FB: Uhm… [Scared]…It’s more like they. It’s Jonas Brothers.
OO: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?
The Jonas Brothers, Joe, Kevin and Nick, come down the entrance ramp to one 14 year old screaming like crazy as a reaction. They sit down near Osbourne.
OO: FUCK YOU! KISS MY FUCKING ASSS!!!
Ozzy jumps from his chair and attacks Nick and Kevin.
FB: BAH GAWD! THE ORIGINAL PARANOID VERSUS THE NEW PARANOID! Kevin and Nick getting beat down… But Joe in! Joe touches Ozzy… Oh my god… Joe falls unconscious! Kevin and Nick also falling down unconscious! What the hell?!
Ozzy sits down.
FB: How did you do that?
OO: I am getting too old for this…
FB: HOWWW??!
OO (Ignoring Freddie): The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, accompanied by The Mega Meathead… MISTTERRR MACCHEEESSSEEEEE!!!
More Cheese by the Cheeseheads plays. Cheese shoots out everywhere, and Mr McCheese come onto the ramp, accidentally trips over himself & rolls all the way over to the ring.
FB: Wait, is that our entire budget? Asshole!
OO: And his opponent… The one and only… MIISTTERRR FATASSS!!!
I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred plays. Pyro starts raining everywhere, and neon letters write the letters "The president has arrived" everywhere. Hundreds of Broadway dancers dance around as the president arrives in a limo. The driver exits and opens his door, and the president enters the ring.
*DING DING DING*
FB: And this is going to be a hell of a bout… Mr. Fatass runs into McCheese, but both men collide and fall back! Bouncy!
OO: Mr. Fatass…OZZIES UP!
FB: That’s “Hulk Up”, Oz. Mr. Fatass runs straight at McCheese…SPLASH! BOSS & CHEESE SANDWICH! Cover!
1…
2…
Kickout!
FB: That was close!
OO: Mr. Fatass…Wait a second, The Ass Kisser is helping him get up! [Gets up, screaming] Blasphemy! Insanity! Shameless bunch of cheaters! I wouldn’t tolerate this if I was the boss of the promotion! What would the boss s… Oh, right. [Sits down]
FB: But wait! The Mega Meathead is also raising McCheese to his feet…Well…Or at least trying.
OO: And both men run at each other…COLLISION! THE WORLD SHOOK!
FB: Actually, Ozzy, I think the world DID shake with an earthquake.
OO: Whatever. BOTH MEN ARE DOWN! The Mega Meathead is trying to raise McCheese to his feet…But here comes The Ass Kisser! WHACK! Clothesline!
FB: But The Mega Meathead quickly gets up…BRAWL! MANAGER FIGHT! MANAGER FIGHT!!!
OO: Mr. Fatass… LEGDROP ON BOTH! BOTH ARE KNOCKED OUT AND ON TOP OF EACH OTHER IN A VERY, VERY HOMOEROTIC WAY!
FB: Mr. Fatass taunts and goes for Mr. McCheese…BODY SLAM! He goes to the ropes…MISSES THE LEGDROP! Mr. McCheese gets up...
FB & OO: HE’S POURING CHEESE SAUCE ALL OVER HIS BODY!
FB: He’s done it! McCheese picks Mr. Fatass up…CHEESEBUSTER! CHEESEBUSTER! CHEESEBUSTER! CHEESEBUSTER! CHEES-
OO: SHUT UP!
1…
2…
3!
*DING DING DING DING DING DING DING*
OO: Here’s your winner… And the SOLE OWNER of the “Mr.” prefix in JOBW, thus advancing to Round 2…. MISSSTTEEERRRRRR MAAAACCCHEEEESEEEE!
FB: Bah Gawd… Mr. Fatass is no longer Mister, but he’s still the owner of JOBW!
OO: And he’s grabbing a mic, devastated…
Fatass: Awh, nuts! Just now that I was going to announce a new owner of JOBW…
OO & FB: WHAT?!
Fatass: I’ll guess I’ll leave it for our upcoming Pay-Per-View event.
OO & FB: WHAT?!
Fatass: You know, the one that we’ll hold in a part of the Jacksonville Municipal Stadium whilst the other part holds a game of football…
OO & FB: WHAT??!?!?!
Fatass: Come on! Our annual flagship event, Jobbapalooza!
OO & FB: WHAT?!
Fatass: You kiddin'? The debut of my PPV Company, XXL PPV Broadcasting.
OO & FB: WHA-
Fatass: SSSHHHH! I'll tell you more soon.
"I'm too Sexy" by Right Said Fred plays. Fatass leaves the ring, serious.
*Commercial Break*
FB: Welcome back to Stink, lads and gents, and I'm proud to announce that Evan Morgan, our backstage prowess, has fully recovered! We'll go live understage with him, Evan!
Evan Morgan appears, full of bandages, near the roulette used for Stink I, this time divided in nine categories.
EM: Alright, I'm better. Now, in order for this to become an 8-man tournament, one of these men's effort becomes fruitless, as he's out of the tourney, Stink style. Let's spin the roulette!
Evan spins the roulette. It spins, spins, and spins until it stops on the name of Mike Hawk.
EM: Well... [Chuckle]...Mike Hawk's going home [LOLs]!
FB: And Mike Hawk's banned! Evan, don't go away. Can you announce for us?
EM: I'll try. Not that it's needed now, through.
*DING DING DING*
FB: Well, Richie Nash and Mr. McCheese already on the ring... Richie Nash tries to bodyslam McCheese, but his efforts are nothing!
OO: McCheese tosses him around like a rabid madman!
FB: And McCheese grabs a poster of Kyle Sync...What the hell... He's stapling it to the turnbuckle!
OO: Richie Nash goes running into it... INSANE CHEESEBUSTER INTO THE TURNBUCKLE... IS THIS OVER?! He's pinning him with his foot!
1...
2...
3!!!
OO: WHA?!
*DING DING DING*
EM: Here is your winner, in a record time of 23 seconds....MISTER MCCHEESE!
FB: What the hell was this? This was a hurricane! [Starts distractedly singing] So here I am again, rock you like a hurri-
OO: I'M OZZY OSBOURNE!
FB: Alright...Okay, sorry...Damn you! We'll take a much needed break.
*Commercial Break*
FB: Welcome back, lads and gents, and I think we’ll have to go immediately understage, where Hulk Fatass is discussing business with the Air Horn Squad…
Mike Hunt: No! No! No! I refuse to fight against Ben! He’s my friend!
Mike Litoris: And I’m not going to face Master, for god’s sake! I’m his best friend!
Fatass: I’m sure we can work this out. Who refuses to wrestle in the tournament?
All four people raise their hand.
Fatass: Fair enough. I think we should call our new owner out and see what he has to say.
Alpha 5 comes in, to a fair crowd pop.
Mike Hunt: This? THIS is the new owner?!
Alpha 5: Aye! You’re all out of the tourney!
Air Horn Squad: WHAT?!
Alpha 5: My speakers are awful today, sorry! I said you were all out of the tournament! AYE-YI-YI-YI!!!
Alpha 5, clumsy, shakes his head as he walks away.
Mike Hawk: Fuck…
Cut to ringside.
FB: Well, this tournament keeps getting shorter and shorter! Now the entire Air Horn Squad is out! And Mr. McCheese is instantly on the finals!
OO: And now more partnerships are broken! The machinegun faces flamethrower for a chance at the finals!
Both weapons are brought back to the ring.
*DING DING DING*
FB: The machinegun…SHOOTS THE HOLY HELL OUT OF THE FLAMETHROWER! THIS MATCH IS OVERRRRRR!!!
*DING DING DING*
EM: The winner of this match, as a result of a knockout…MACHINEGUN!
FB: Leave the machinegun there! Mr. McCheese is coming in, proud and determined!
EM: And his opponent for the finals…The one…The only…MISTTERRRR MACCCHEEESEEEEE!!!!
FB: Mr. McCheese has arrived! And he’s furious, look out!
* DING DING DING *
FB: Mr. McCheese… LEGDROP ON THE MACHINEGUN! THIS IS OVER! THIS THING IS OVER! MR. MCCHEESE WILL HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT GOLD!
* DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING*
FB: Stop the fucking bell already!
EM: Your winner…And NEEEWWWWW Number Pi Contender to that title with a big name…MISTTERRRR MACCCHEEESEEEEEE!!!!
OO: This is over! This is over! McCheese has wrestled three matches in one night and he won a chance at Juan’s Title! Whoa!
FB: We’ll come back with Juan Carlos Batman himself…Against a mystery opponent! Stay tuned!
*Commercial break*
Ozzy Osbourne: “And here comes Juan Carlos Batman for our main event!”
(The Job-A-Tron shows a spinning cardboard crayon-drawn Batman sign, and then Batman makes his way to the ring swinging on a rope, his feet barely above the ground)
Juan Carlos Batman: “Okay, now what happens now?”
(He stays in the middle of the ring and begins to monologue)
Juan Carlos Batman: “Let’s see, I’m the MOST FUCKING IMPORTANT CHAMPION here in JOB, and STILL haven’t been able to find Robin!” (He begins sobbing) “ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!”…
Ozzy Osbourne: “What’s wrong with this guy, man? He has the championship and he cares about Robin!”
(Juan Carlos Batman looks towards the camera)
Juan Carlos Batman: “GIVE ME BACK ROBIN! Or I turn evil…!” (he begins crying)
At that point, Bulk and Skull’s music fills the arena, and Alpha 5 comes down the hallway.
Alpha 5: “Aye-yi-yi-yi, Batman! It appears you’re feeling a little down lately and are in no condition to wrestle tonight… so we are going to help you with your problem! We are going to give you… a psychoanalysis session in the ring!”
Ozzy Osbourne: “WHAT!? What the FUCK, man!?”
(A female psychologist carrying a couch gets in the ring and deposits it, at which Juan Carlos Batman sits down)
Psychologist: “So, Batman, tell me, what’s troubling you?”
Juan Carlos Batman: “Well you know, the problem is Robin… right now I’m a lonely hero-“
Psychologist: (interrupting) “First of all, let me ask you, what’s with those pointed thingies in your mask?”
Juan Carlos Batman: “Oh, this? This have been a part of my uniform for my whole life, you know at the beginning the mask was made of leather instead of rubber. That was the time when Alfred fell down the Batcave secret entrance, and my aunt Harriet was a very mean lady… so you know, I needed a way to combat that and… can I have a coffee, please?”
Psychologist: “Certainly. Nathan!”
(A young blond lad comes and get in the ring. Batman looks at him in fascination).
Batman: “… My God… such a beautiful young man… ROBIN!!!”
(The boy looks teasing Batman. Batman runs and hugs him)
Batman: “ROOOOOOOOOBIN…” (Emotional)
Robin: “I want to be… your Robin…”
(A romantic song starts hitting the ring)
EM: “Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner, and STILL THE MOST FUCKING IMPORTANT CHAMPION… JUAN CARLOS BATMAN!!!”
Batman: “I DEFENDED MY TITLE AGAIN! I DEFENDED MY TITLE AGAINST MY DEPRESSION! To the FATMOBILE Robin, we’re going on honeymoon!
(They both run to the Fatmobile as the scene fades to black. While the scene is black, there are still voices being heard on the background.)
OO: Who books this crap, for god’s sake?
FB: Blame the Hamster for that.
EM: That ass is going to pay for my leg’s surgery.
HF: YOU SAYIN’ BAD STUFF ABOUT WHO?!
FB: Uhm…Er…Just…
EM: …In…Timberlake. That’s right! We were insulting Justin Timberlake.
HF: FUCK! I AM YOUR TOPIC, NOT ANYONE ELSE!
Sounds of spanking are heard on the background. Evan screams as the sound fades away.
The scene fades in to a small venue, sort of like an island in the middle of the sewers. Around 18 people clap enthusiastically, and there is one sign visible saying “The Air Horn Squad rocks”. The new announcing team, formed by “Most Valuable Announcer” Jimmy Hayes, Freddie B., and the new announcer for WNS, Ozzy Osbourne, welcome the crowd at home.
FB: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this unforgettable, friggen stinky episode of Wednesday Night Stink! I’m Freddie B., alongside Jimmy Hayes and OZZY OSBOURNE himself! Ozzy, any message you’d like to send home?
OO: Ehm…Ar…Er…What was the question?
Quick cut to the ring, where Bart Styles, the ring announcer, holds a mic in his hand, and a bottle of tequila in the other.
BS: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the representative of FOX, who will evaluate our show tonight… Keith Fawcett!
Some people clap as a man in tuxedo comes out. He waves to the crowd and sits near the announcer’s table, after shaking the hands of Jimmy, Freddy and Ozzy. The camera fades right back in at the ring announcer.
BS: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, introducing first… “The Ultimate Kyle Sync Fan…” RICHIE NASH!!!
“We want Kyle” by Richie Nash plays as the crowd delivers a lot of heat. Richie comes out, wearing a Kyle Sync T-Shirt, and jumps on the ring, excited.
BS: And his opponent, the one and only Jobber’s Champion… KYLE SYNC MASK ONE!!!
“Hunt you down” by Saliva plays to absolutely no crowd reaction. A man in a Kyle Sync mask comes in and enters the ring, staring at Richie Nash.
*DING DING DING*
FB: Kyle Sync Mask right at Richie… KSM with a punch, but he’s a jobber, therefore it didn’t damage Richie!
JH: Uh-oh…Richie Nash recognized him…
FB: He’s screwed! BAH GAWDYSHINNIGAWD!
OO: Ahem…Huh? What happened?
FB: Richie Nash with a FAN-HUG! FAN-HUG! BAH GAWD!
JH: The Mask can’t get rid of him!
FB: Oh no, he’s taking it to a new l..AWH MAH GAWD DRY HUMPING! DRY HUMPING! DRY HUMPING!
JH: Poor KSM! His shoulders are down, he might be screwed…
1…
2…
FB: KICKOUT!!!
JH: The Kyle Sync Mask able to get rid of Richie…He’s trying to kick him, but it does no effect, because he’s a freakin’ jobber! OH, AND NOW HIS FOOT IS HURT!
FB: BROKEN FOOT! BROKEN FOOT! COVAHH!!
1…
2…
3!!
*DING DING DING*
BS: Your winner and advancing to Round 2… Richie Nash!
OO: And Richie Nash advances to Round 2, I guess… Uh, really?
FB: Hey…Go away! Shoo! You’ve got your own script! Where did you leave it?
OO: Uh…I spilled my coffee all over it…
FB: *Headslaps*
OO: Eeh…Can I sing Paranoid?
FB: Please, don’t… We’ll take a commercial break.
*Commercial break*
FB: Welcome back to the insanity here in Wednesday Night Stink! We’ve got all ten competitors in the ring, for the 5-on-5 tag match, pitting the Jobbers & Referees Society, Shawn “I Screw Babyfaces” Reid, Adam Davidson, Chris “I Screw Heels” West and pro jobbers Kyle Sync Mask and Dr. Jobaroonie, against The Air Horn Squad, Mike Hunt, Mike Hawk, Ben Dover, Master Bate and Mike Litoris…Apparently, Kyle Sync Mask I will have to wrestle again!
*DING DING DING*
FB: And all the members of the squad put their right hand on their pants… What is this, a man milk fest?!
JH: It sure does look like…They’re grabbing something soft, they’re squeezing a rather small object with a circular form nearby…
FB: AND THEY BRING AIR HORNS OUT OF THEIR PANTS! AIR HORN FEST! AIR… *HOOOOOOOOOOONK* BAH GAWD, THIS IS INT...*HOOOONKKK*…SO…*HONK HONK HOOOONKNKKKKKK*...DR. JOBAROONIE FALLS D…*TRIPLE SIMULTANEOUS HONKING*
OO: Honking with my airhorn, ‘cause she always helps me with my match…
JH: Don’t sing Paranoid NOR VERSIONS OF PARANOID PLEASE!!!
FB: ALL REFEREES ARE …*HONK*..ND OUT! AND THE JOBBERS ARE REPEATEDLY SLAMMING THEIR HEAD AGAINST THE TURNBUCKLES…
JH: Look at Dr. Jobaroonie… Shooting star press into the turnbuckle!
FB: THIS SHIT’S INSANE!
OO (Hitting Freddie’s face): Didn’t your momma tell you that you can’t say swear words?!...Momma, I’m coming ho…
FB and JH (In chorus): SHUT UP!
JH: The Air Horn squad is in for a group hug…Uh-oh…
FB: BAHGAWDMAHAGWDMYSHINYBEAUTIFULLITTLEFUCKINGGOD!!! MEGAPHONE!
JH: And they SMASH it over Adam Davidson’s head! The neutral referee got megaphucked!
FB: Shawn Reid comes in…
Shawn: You face?
Mike Litoris: Yeah, why you ask?
FB: And Shawn quickly with the rollup, with the tights grabbed, his foot on the ropes and…HE’S STAPLING Litoris’ shirt on the mat! MAH GAWD!
1…
2…
JH: What?
FB: CHRIS WEST HAS BROKEN THE PINFALL! HE’S SCREWED A HEEL THAT WAS JUST ABOUT TO SCREW A FACE!
JH: Shawn HIP TOSSES Chris…And Chris oversells it, in his usual referee duties!
FB: Uh-oh… Mike Hunt is coming from behind… What the hell? There’s an old lady on the entrance ramp!
Old Lady: MIKE!!!! YOU’VE GOT TO TAKE IT HOME!!!
FB: She’s using wrestling slang for “You’ve got to end the match, no more time left!”
Mike: MOM!!! WHY?!
Mom: DINNER’S READY!!!!!!!!!!
JH: Mike lowers his head…HE’S GOING HOME! He’s going to be disqualified via countout…
FB: BUT THERE ARE NO REFEREES! ALL OF THEM ARE IN THIS MATCH!!!
JH: (Headslap) Ah, fuck. Who books this crap?
FB: Dunno. BUT WAIT A SECOND… THAT’S MISTER FATASS!!!
OO: O President, O mighty president, give me a raise!
FB: Mr. Fatass coming down the ramp…HE STEALS MIKE HUNT’S DINNER!!!
OO: What’s happening to his mother…Am I high?
FB: HIS MOTHER IS TURNING INTO A GIANT MUTANT!!! BAH GAWD!
JH: No, Freddy, that’s… A BASILISK!
FB: ARGH! Don’t stare at it, Jimmy…Uhm…Jimmy? JIMMY? DJEEEYYMEEEYYYY!!!
OO: Can I get a better seat, please? Mr. Hayes is trying fellatio with me…
FB: JIMMY’S DEAD! JIMMY’S DEAD! JIMMY STARED AT THE BASILISK AND HE’S DEAD, MY GAWD! THE BASILISK KNOCKING EVERYONE OUT IN THE ARENA! ALL MEN ARE DOWN! AND THE MONSTER GOES AWAY!
OO: Dead bitch. Now everyone’s knocked out! Wait a second!
FB: And Ozzy Osbourne is going into the ring…What the hell…He’s grabbed Ben Dover’s arm and he drapes it over the prone chest of the Jobber’s Champion! He’s counting the fall himself!
1…
2…
3!
Bart Styles: Here are your winners and advancing to Round 2… THE AIR HORN SQUAD!
The crowd gives them a small pop.
FB: Okay… So, Jimmy’s dead…The MVA is dead, whatammagonnado?! WHATAMMAGONNADOOO?!!! Hey, hey. Evan Morgan can help us out! We now go understage with Evan, can you point out someone that can help me announce?
Cut to understage, where Evan Morgan is trapped amongst pieces of metal, wood and concrete.
EM: I’M FUCKED!!!
FB: Me too…Hey, Ozzy, can I ask you a favor, a huge favor?
OO: Go ahead…
FB: Can you comment this match on your own? I’m going out to get a partner. Thanks!
Freddy quickly throws his headset away and sprints out of the arena, looking for a partner.
OO: Let me get ready, my people. We’ll take a fucking commercial break, WE LOVE YOU AAAAALLLL!!!!
*Commercial Break*
OO: Welcome back to Wednesday Night Ozzfest, I’m Ozzy Osbourne, covering for dead Jimmy Hayes and for paranoid Freddy B. I’m afraid we’ve got more bad news…Bart Styles got drunk.
Bart Styles: The follofucking contest is scheduled for *HIC* two boobies! EHEHEHEHE! You liked that, huh, Mr. Hitler?! [Points at Ozzy Osbourne] You think you’re the man, but you you *HIC* just are big Iron Maiden! HA! You know what you sh*HIC* do? You should get up, look to me and…Eh…Stay up. You know?!
OO: (Sigh) This is a Non-Human tag team contest scheduled for one fall, where the Human’s Forbidden Title is on the line.
A bunch of stagehands carry Stone Cold, THE Rock, machine gun and a flamethrower into the ring.
OO: You can see Stone, Cold is still damaged from their last bout, and here we go!
*DING DING DING*
OO: The flamethrower right at the attack! He’s burning Stone, Cold…THAT’S HOT STONE NOW! IT IS HOT STONE! WHAT A MUTATION! And THE Rock goes straight at the flamethrower…And the heap of flames stops! INSANE! And the Machinegun going right at the attack…. THE FLAMETHROWER HAS BEEN DESTROYED! AND THE HOT STONE IS HURT BADLY! COVER…
1…
2…
3!
*DING DING DING*
BS: What the…The…Uhm, the fuck? I saw a Machinegun winning a wrestling match?
OO: HERE ARE YOUR WINNERS, THE FLAMETHROWER, AND THE NEWWWWWW HUMAN’S FORBIDDEN TITLE…MMMAAAACCHIINNEEEGUUNN!!! Sorry Bart, I had to do this.
BS: You…You…[Falls asleep]
OO: Okay…We’ll be right back folks, with the Loser Loses “Mr.” Prefix Match. Stink around.
*Commercial break*
OO: Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen, and now Freddie Beey will take it from here. Did you find someone?
FB: Well, it isn’t properly the biggest person we could get… But it’s just temporary…
OO: Who?! Who?!!!
FB: Uhm… [Scared]…It’s more like they. It’s Jonas Brothers.
OO: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?
The Jonas Brothers, Joe, Kevin and Nick, come down the entrance ramp to one 14 year old screaming like crazy as a reaction. They sit down near Osbourne.
OO: FUCK YOU! KISS MY FUCKING ASSS!!!
Ozzy jumps from his chair and attacks Nick and Kevin.
FB: BAH GAWD! THE ORIGINAL PARANOID VERSUS THE NEW PARANOID! Kevin and Nick getting beat down… But Joe in! Joe touches Ozzy… Oh my god… Joe falls unconscious! Kevin and Nick also falling down unconscious! What the hell?!
Ozzy sits down.
FB: How did you do that?
OO: I am getting too old for this…
FB: HOWWW??!
OO (Ignoring Freddie): The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, accompanied by The Mega Meathead… MISTTERRR MACCHEEESSSEEEEE!!!
More Cheese by the Cheeseheads plays. Cheese shoots out everywhere, and Mr McCheese come onto the ramp, accidentally trips over himself & rolls all the way over to the ring.
FB: Wait, is that our entire budget? Asshole!
OO: And his opponent… The one and only… MIISTTERRR FATASSS!!!
I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred plays. Pyro starts raining everywhere, and neon letters write the letters "The president has arrived" everywhere. Hundreds of Broadway dancers dance around as the president arrives in a limo. The driver exits and opens his door, and the president enters the ring.
*DING DING DING*
FB: And this is going to be a hell of a bout… Mr. Fatass runs into McCheese, but both men collide and fall back! Bouncy!
OO: Mr. Fatass…OZZIES UP!
FB: That’s “Hulk Up”, Oz. Mr. Fatass runs straight at McCheese…SPLASH! BOSS & CHEESE SANDWICH! Cover!
1…
2…
Kickout!
FB: That was close!
OO: Mr. Fatass…Wait a second, The Ass Kisser is helping him get up! [Gets up, screaming] Blasphemy! Insanity! Shameless bunch of cheaters! I wouldn’t tolerate this if I was the boss of the promotion! What would the boss s… Oh, right. [Sits down]
FB: But wait! The Mega Meathead is also raising McCheese to his feet…Well…Or at least trying.
OO: And both men run at each other…COLLISION! THE WORLD SHOOK!
FB: Actually, Ozzy, I think the world DID shake with an earthquake.
OO: Whatever. BOTH MEN ARE DOWN! The Mega Meathead is trying to raise McCheese to his feet…But here comes The Ass Kisser! WHACK! Clothesline!
FB: But The Mega Meathead quickly gets up…BRAWL! MANAGER FIGHT! MANAGER FIGHT!!!
OO: Mr. Fatass… LEGDROP ON BOTH! BOTH ARE KNOCKED OUT AND ON TOP OF EACH OTHER IN A VERY, VERY HOMOEROTIC WAY!
FB: Mr. Fatass taunts and goes for Mr. McCheese…BODY SLAM! He goes to the ropes…MISSES THE LEGDROP! Mr. McCheese gets up...
FB & OO: HE’S POURING CHEESE SAUCE ALL OVER HIS BODY!
FB: He’s done it! McCheese picks Mr. Fatass up…CHEESEBUSTER! CHEESEBUSTER! CHEESEBUSTER! CHEESEBUSTER! CHEES-
OO: SHUT UP!
1…
2…
3!
*DING DING DING DING DING DING DING*
OO: Here’s your winner… And the SOLE OWNER of the “Mr.” prefix in JOBW, thus advancing to Round 2…. MISSSTTEEERRRRRR MAAAACCCHEEEESEEEE!
FB: Bah Gawd… Mr. Fatass is no longer Mister, but he’s still the owner of JOBW!
OO: And he’s grabbing a mic, devastated…
Fatass: Awh, nuts! Just now that I was going to announce a new owner of JOBW…
OO & FB: WHAT?!
Fatass: I’ll guess I’ll leave it for our upcoming Pay-Per-View event.
OO & FB: WHAT?!
Fatass: You know, the one that we’ll hold in a part of the Jacksonville Municipal Stadium whilst the other part holds a game of football…
OO & FB: WHAT??!?!?!
Fatass: Come on! Our annual flagship event, Jobbapalooza!
OO & FB: WHAT?!
Fatass: You kiddin'? The debut of my PPV Company, XXL PPV Broadcasting.
OO & FB: WHA-
Fatass: SSSHHHH! I'll tell you more soon.
"I'm too Sexy" by Right Said Fred plays. Fatass leaves the ring, serious.
*Commercial Break*
FB: Welcome back to Stink, lads and gents, and I'm proud to announce that Evan Morgan, our backstage prowess, has fully recovered! We'll go live understage with him, Evan!
Evan Morgan appears, full of bandages, near the roulette used for Stink I, this time divided in nine categories.
EM: Alright, I'm better. Now, in order for this to become an 8-man tournament, one of these men's effort becomes fruitless, as he's out of the tourney, Stink style. Let's spin the roulette!
Evan spins the roulette. It spins, spins, and spins until it stops on the name of Mike Hawk.
EM: Well... [Chuckle]...Mike Hawk's going home [LOLs]!
FB: And Mike Hawk's banned! Evan, don't go away. Can you announce for us?
EM: I'll try. Not that it's needed now, through.
*DING DING DING*
FB: Well, Richie Nash and Mr. McCheese already on the ring... Richie Nash tries to bodyslam McCheese, but his efforts are nothing!
OO: McCheese tosses him around like a rabid madman!
FB: And McCheese grabs a poster of Kyle Sync...What the hell... He's stapling it to the turnbuckle!
OO: Richie Nash goes running into it... INSANE CHEESEBUSTER INTO THE TURNBUCKLE... IS THIS OVER?! He's pinning him with his foot!
1...
2...
3!!!
OO: WHA?!
*DING DING DING*
EM: Here is your winner, in a record time of 23 seconds....MISTER MCCHEESE!
FB: What the hell was this? This was a hurricane! [Starts distractedly singing] So here I am again, rock you like a hurri-
OO: I'M OZZY OSBOURNE!
FB: Alright...Okay, sorry...Damn you! We'll take a much needed break.
*Commercial Break*
FB: Welcome back, lads and gents, and I think we’ll have to go immediately understage, where Hulk Fatass is discussing business with the Air Horn Squad…
Mike Hunt: No! No! No! I refuse to fight against Ben! He’s my friend!
Mike Litoris: And I’m not going to face Master, for god’s sake! I’m his best friend!
Fatass: I’m sure we can work this out. Who refuses to wrestle in the tournament?
All four people raise their hand.
Fatass: Fair enough. I think we should call our new owner out and see what he has to say.
Alpha 5 comes in, to a fair crowd pop.
Mike Hunt: This? THIS is the new owner?!
Alpha 5: Aye! You’re all out of the tourney!
Air Horn Squad: WHAT?!
Alpha 5: My speakers are awful today, sorry! I said you were all out of the tournament! AYE-YI-YI-YI!!!
Alpha 5, clumsy, shakes his head as he walks away.
Mike Hawk: Fuck…
Cut to ringside.
FB: Well, this tournament keeps getting shorter and shorter! Now the entire Air Horn Squad is out! And Mr. McCheese is instantly on the finals!
OO: And now more partnerships are broken! The machinegun faces flamethrower for a chance at the finals!
Both weapons are brought back to the ring.
*DING DING DING*
FB: The machinegun…SHOOTS THE HOLY HELL OUT OF THE FLAMETHROWER! THIS MATCH IS OVERRRRRR!!!
*DING DING DING*
EM: The winner of this match, as a result of a knockout…MACHINEGUN!
FB: Leave the machinegun there! Mr. McCheese is coming in, proud and determined!
EM: And his opponent for the finals…The one…The only…MISTTERRRR MACCCHEEESEEEEE!!!!
FB: Mr. McCheese has arrived! And he’s furious, look out!
* DING DING DING *
FB: Mr. McCheese… LEGDROP ON THE MACHINEGUN! THIS IS OVER! THIS THING IS OVER! MR. MCCHEESE WILL HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT GOLD!
* DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING*
FB: Stop the fucking bell already!
EM: Your winner…And NEEEWWWWW Number Pi Contender to that title with a big name…MISTTERRRR MACCCHEEESEEEEEE!!!!
OO: This is over! This is over! McCheese has wrestled three matches in one night and he won a chance at Juan’s Title! Whoa!
FB: We’ll come back with Juan Carlos Batman himself…Against a mystery opponent! Stay tuned!
*Commercial break*
Ozzy Osbourne: “And here comes Juan Carlos Batman for our main event!”
(The Job-A-Tron shows a spinning cardboard crayon-drawn Batman sign, and then Batman makes his way to the ring swinging on a rope, his feet barely above the ground)
Juan Carlos Batman: “Okay, now what happens now?”
(He stays in the middle of the ring and begins to monologue)
Juan Carlos Batman: “Let’s see, I’m the MOST FUCKING IMPORTANT CHAMPION here in JOB, and STILL haven’t been able to find Robin!” (He begins sobbing) “ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!”…
Ozzy Osbourne: “What’s wrong with this guy, man? He has the championship and he cares about Robin!”
(Juan Carlos Batman looks towards the camera)
Juan Carlos Batman: “GIVE ME BACK ROBIN! Or I turn evil…!” (he begins crying)
At that point, Bulk and Skull’s music fills the arena, and Alpha 5 comes down the hallway.
Alpha 5: “Aye-yi-yi-yi, Batman! It appears you’re feeling a little down lately and are in no condition to wrestle tonight… so we are going to help you with your problem! We are going to give you… a psychoanalysis session in the ring!”
Ozzy Osbourne: “WHAT!? What the FUCK, man!?”
(A female psychologist carrying a couch gets in the ring and deposits it, at which Juan Carlos Batman sits down)
Psychologist: “So, Batman, tell me, what’s troubling you?”
Juan Carlos Batman: “Well you know, the problem is Robin… right now I’m a lonely hero-“
Psychologist: (interrupting) “First of all, let me ask you, what’s with those pointed thingies in your mask?”
Juan Carlos Batman: “Oh, this? This have been a part of my uniform for my whole life, you know at the beginning the mask was made of leather instead of rubber. That was the time when Alfred fell down the Batcave secret entrance, and my aunt Harriet was a very mean lady… so you know, I needed a way to combat that and… can I have a coffee, please?”
Psychologist: “Certainly. Nathan!”
(A young blond lad comes and get in the ring. Batman looks at him in fascination).
Batman: “… My God… such a beautiful young man… ROBIN!!!”
(The boy looks teasing Batman. Batman runs and hugs him)
Batman: “ROOOOOOOOOBIN…” (Emotional)
Robin: “I want to be… your Robin…”
(A romantic song starts hitting the ring)
EM: “Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner, and STILL THE MOST FUCKING IMPORTANT CHAMPION… JUAN CARLOS BATMAN!!!”
Batman: “I DEFENDED MY TITLE AGAIN! I DEFENDED MY TITLE AGAINST MY DEPRESSION! To the FATMOBILE Robin, we’re going on honeymoon!
(They both run to the Fatmobile as the scene fades to black. While the scene is black, there are still voices being heard on the background.)
OO: Who books this crap, for god’s sake?
FB: Blame the Hamster for that.
EM: That ass is going to pay for my leg’s surgery.
HF: YOU SAYIN’ BAD STUFF ABOUT WHO?!
FB: Uhm…Er…Just…
EM: …In…Timberlake. That’s right! We were insulting Justin Timberlake.
HF: FUCK! I AM YOUR TOPIC, NOT ANYONE ELSE!
Sounds of spanking are heard on the background. Evan screams as the sound fades away.